Stephen Merchant Choices transcript

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWUHiRT6Zdw

Me and Tony, did... wrote a play about issues and things and it's
called "Choices".


(All right, Ok Lisa, you come here.)

Scene 1

Anthea should be home by now.
Look at the time. I bet she's out with that Kevin. Not that you'd care
because you're always down at pub drinking and smoking. And you're on
the dole!

Shut up or I'll beat you!

(Take it seriosly, won't you?)
(Sorry, Lisa)
(I'm being scared now)
(Do not leave, carry on)

That girl drives me at the wall. Sometimes I could just...

What?

Nothing.

(All right. Off you go. That's great)

In my day kids played in big fields by factories and spoke but weren't
heard. Nowadays they've got no respect for authority because of Bob
Geldof.

Scene 2

(Ok. Come back home. Now she's playing my daughter)

Anthea, stop right there. What's this in your pocket?

(Now do stop. Seriously. Don't keep spinning)

What's this in your pocket?
A condom?

(Are you still there?)
(I've just found a condom in your pocket)

You never pay any attention to me. You should be glad I've got a condom
because so many people don't know about safe sex because parents and
teachers can't discuss it because of the lack of communication
breakdown.

Anyway, I don't care 'cause I'm pregnant.

Pregnant! Aah! (Blackout!)

(Lights on)

Scene 3

(we're down at the disco)

(Are you taking a piss?)

What I'm saying is if America and Russia don't make peace we'll all get
blown up in the nuclear war.

Yeah.

This disco's great, I love this song.

Yeah.

UB40 is the best band ever.

Hey, Anthea's over there.
Don't you think you should talk to her?

Why?

Well, did you get her pregnant?

So what? I don't care. It's her fault. She should be on the pill
because I never wear a condom because I'm sexist.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

No, what is it?

Nothing.

No, what is it?

Nothing!

Now, what is it?

I'm gay.

Gay! Aah! (Blackout!)

Scene 4

(OK, Lisa come on)

Hey, do you want a cigarette?

No.

No? Then you're not my friend.

(Peer pressure. Peer pressure.)

Now, do you want a cigarette?

Yes.

Yes! (Blackout!)

Scene 5

(OK lights on. Just the two of you. Lisa, brilliant)

Can I trust you?

Well, I'm gay.

Well, that's all right. We're all the same under our skin.

Thanks. It's difficult being gay because of prejudice and AIDS.

(Stop laughing!)

I understand because I'm a woman.

I really fancy that boy over there.

Why don't you go out with him?

Well, I think I'm overweight because of all the supermodels.

They do give women unreasonable expectations.

(Brilliant! That was brilliant!)

Oh no! What happened? (Lie down, lie down)

Julie, Julie, wake up, wake up. Oh no, what's this in your pocket?
Glue! (Out!)

Scene 6

(All right. Lights on. Ok great)
(Oh, should have moved them here before. Tom, sit here.)

John, I love coming around here playing computer games.

Yes, Martin, computer games are fun.

But you know what I really love.

What?

You.
(John puts his hand on Martin's knee)

(That's not in the script!)

What did you say?

I said I love you.

Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

Please, remember, I'm just like you on the inside.

No, you're not. You're a massive gay lord.

Why are you being so cruel?

Because I hate poofters because of prejudice.
And now I'm gonna go to school and tell everyone.
John, are you a poofter tied to a tree?

No!

Aah! Poofter on the loose!

Scene 7

(OK, lights up. Lisa, just sit there)

Anthea, where's your essay? I said it had to be in by 9 o'clock this
morning or you're expelled.

Sir, I've got problems. I...

Shut up! I'm not interested!

I don't care what you think 'cause you're just a kid.

Scene 8

(Now, I'm a kid)

Hello, Martin.

Ah, whatever.

I've got your baby in me.

Not interested.

OK. Did you hear that John killed himself?

John didn't kill himself. Look, there he is now.

Hello, Martin.

Hello, John.

Who are you talking to?

John the Poofter, he's just there.

There's no one there.

What?

Yes, she cannot see me because I'm a ghost.

What happened?

I did suicide last night.

You did suicide?

Yes and I'm dead. And you are to blame because of bullying.
Oh my god, bullying is terrible. (now ????)

Oh, Martin. I'm having a baby right now. It ?????

(Ok, it's good but it's scary)
(But it's good, it's good.)
(I've done it twice)
(You've done a tremendous job. Now, normally... just be quieter 'cause
I can't think)

(Normally we'd have prop baby like a toy baby at this point.
But I didn't have a toy at home, so I just grabbed the first thing I
could find at home and [takes out BAFTA award]
(I tell you what happened. There were three of them, I just grabbed the
first one)

(I can't believe I'm going to touch it)
(You're not going to touch it.)
(Oh, go on, just once)
(Just ??? give birth to it)

I can see the head!
It's got your eye!
Push!

Pull!

Oh, wow!
Oh my god.
Seriously, though, oh my god.

It's mine now.

No, don't get carried away.

I have to decide whether to marry Anthea and help her grow this baby or
ignore her and make her give it up for abortion ("adoption" I think
that should be)

What should I do? Be a good father and help Anthea or be selfish and do
nothing?

Those are some difficult choices.